So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
