Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
