You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
