dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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