When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
