My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
