We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
