she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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