what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
