Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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