So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
