I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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