i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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