Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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