The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
