when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
