watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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