how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How does one acquire holy water?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
