look no pants
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
