you guys were way drunker than both of me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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