Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
