i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
