I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
did i walk over a car last night?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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