Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
