He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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