I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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