I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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