if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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