Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
