You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
