Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
