My cat gives me a boner
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
