It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
