I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
