I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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