It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
