He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
