my sisters under your porch take her home
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
