Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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