Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
