mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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