Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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