I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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