god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
