You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
