Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
