Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
