Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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