My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
