The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
