I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
