woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
