I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
